Father Finally Father's Day

Father's Day is a day that's meaning has changed to me throughout my lifetime. This year marks the third phase in the view of the holiday to me personally.

Growing up, and through adulthood, my dad has been much more than my father, but also one of my closest friends. His influence is deeply ingrained in the man that I have become; from personality to values, to interests, and beyond.

I always looked at Father's Day as an important day in my family, and for my dad. He did so much to always make sure that we had the income needed to survive as comfortably as possible. He had been an avid fisherman and hunter; he spent my younger years playing softball and hanging out with a ragtag group of friends, and riding dirt bikes. All of these things were given up early in my life to focus on supporting his family and devoting time to our interests; specifically my sporting interest.

When I decided the first sport I would play was baseball, he not only quickly signed me up but became my coach. Through all the sports I would play, he would always be there cheering and supporting. After the long days at work (at a job he really did not enjoy) he would come home to whisk me off to practices, games, meets, and tournaments.

He was also there for my brother's gymnastics, martial arts, and cross country races. Between us and my mom's poor health and her many surgeries and doctor's appointments, my dad did not have time for any interests of his own for many years.

My first taste of fatherhood came about four years ago, shortly after moving to Iowa. Erin's two kids were 14 and 12 at the time. I came into a situation where the kids were already well on their way to becoming the people they were going to be. A lot of their childhoods had already taken place, yet they were also a long way from being adults.

We were getting to know each other in a turbulent time, but all got along well (awkwardness aside) right from the beginning. While neither of them really consider me a 'father', I have tried to be a solid and positive person in their lives. I do consider them to be my kids also, and we are all a family. With their introduction into my life, I began to look at Father's Day from the perspective of the father.

Now that I am becoming the father of my own child for the first time, the day is shifting into another new phase. I have all the excitement and nervousness of a first time dad. I know that within about 2 months I am going to have a tiny life dependent on me for mere survival- in addition to love, support, and understanding.

I, along with my amazing wife, have created a new life. That fact alone has a way of filling one with awe and wonder. It is still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it can be real. Today I celebrate my first Father's Day as a father-to-be, and ponder the fact that this time next year I will have a little girl, glowing face yet to be gazed upon for the first time. Today is another day in the emotional process, and the growing connection between me and my still forming daughter.

Father's Day has again been forever altered in my perception of it, and I look forward to each and every one there is to come. My dad, my step-children, and my daughter have given this "Greeting Card Created Holiday" a depth and meaning to me that I would have never expected.

~Father Finally

Mother's Day...

As Mother's Day approaches, so many thoughts and feelings overtake me. I miss my mother every day, and cannot believe that it has been 3 years since her passing. 

My mom was around to know that I had found my true happiness, but my move to Iowa was not easy on her at all. At 37 years old I had never lived further than 5 miles from my parents. She had dealt with a lifetime of ailments beginning with Polio as a child, and culminating with severe TMJ which lead to a surgery involving failed implants, and several long and horrific surgeries to follow in attempts to repair the damage. None of them were able to fix what had been destroyed, and she spent every moment of her life from that point in pain that most of us cannot even begin to imagine. 

She was however happy for me. She could tell that my life and my health had taken huge turns in a positive direction thanks to E. I was crushed when my mom passed, so very close to Mother's Day, and one of the most painful parts was that she would never meet the woman who would become her daughter-in-law.

Now as the next chapter of my life is about to begin with the birth of my daughter, those same feelings of remorse, disappointment, and loss bubble to the surface as I think about the fact that my daughter will never know her grandma Jovina. 

Almost without fail people called my mother either Jo or Jo Jo. It is here and now that I announce that my daughter's middle name will be Jo, in honor of her grandmother who would have loved her so well and spoiled her so much. 

As far as her first name, for that you will just have to wait...

~Father Finally

Something So Small Can Make a Huge Change

A little under two weeks ago we found out that our baby was in fact a little girl. Going into the appointment I knew that I already loved my child and felt like I could not become more excited than I already was. Sitting there seeing our little person on the screen I gripped my wife's hand and teared up over and over.

First we saw the head, brain, and face. Next came the heart and lungs; section by section getting the reassurance that everything seemed to be developing properly. The technician asked us as she came to the little bottom whether we wanted to know the gender. When we confirmed that we did she showed us and confirmed that it was our daughter being nurtured within E's womb.

Somehow, that single realization made her even more of a person than she had already been. Going into that appointment we already had the name picked for a girl, but not one for a boy. People assured us that fact alone basically insured that a boy it would be.

Since most on the outside were wrong, in one sparkling moment we had not only a daughter, but a daughter who already had a name; one which is being withheld until a later date. The feelings that moment produced are simply unexplainable. Someone already so very loved and anticipated, instantly gained attributes that took her very existence to an entirely new level.

Ever since that day, that very moment, I have found myself talking to her more than ever before. Feeling each little movement in E's belly more directly in the center of my heart knowing that it is my daughter with each kick, punch, or turn.

I am continually wanting to shop for me little girl, I can visually see moments in the future more clearly. Everything has changed in a way I could not have foreseen. My excitement which I believed to already be a peak level, has once again been heightened.

This dad can not wait to see and hold his little girl. I can only imagine the tears that will flow when we look upon each other for the first time.

~Father Finally

Our little girl!

It's a girl!

So, yesterday we received the news we had been waiting for. We are having a little girl! Not only that, but all tests taken, and the level 2 ultrasound indicate that she is healthy and active. We really didn't have a vested interest in what gender our little baby would be, we just wanted to know and to let everyone else know. By far the more important factory was that of a HEALTHY baby. 

Needless to say Father Finally is over the moon knowing his little girl is growing strong and readying herself to enter this amazing and wonderful world. I have so much love in my heart already for this little being that I am yet to meet and hold. I can't even contemplate how much that love will grow when she is actually here with us. <3

~Father Finally

Good to have family, Bad to have nightmares.

Well we got some really cool news from E's mom today. It turns out that when the family was over for a BBQ this weekend, one of her siblings brought us over a LOT of stuff for the little Kellybean. They brought us diapers, onesies, blankets, and a bunch of baby food. I am feeling really blessed to have people looking out for us, and also excited about the new baby we are bringing into this world. This news was completely unexpected, and I am still really kind of in shock.

So...that is the really good news of the day. On the other side of things some of you have heard me speak in other venues of the fact that I have been having really bad dreams and nightmares the last several weeks. The most prominent subject of these dreams is me not surviving long enough to meet my new child. I know it has to be from subconscious fear and stress,  but it is really starting to get to me.

It is hard to become rested when one's dreams are so very stressful most nights. My chronic health issues are no doubt at the heart of a lot of this. Many of my dreams involve having complications due to one of my illnesses, or a coming procedure (having my 12th colonoscopy on April 9th) resulting in the finding of aggressive cancer.

The other most common of these dreams involve something happening to E and/or the baby either prior to, or during childbirth. I wish I could figure a way to make this all stop. I just have to remember that they are nothing but dreams and continue on each day knowing how excited I am for everything that we have to look forward to.

I really love my life, more than I ever have at any point in the past, and I guess I am just very afraid of something happening to lose it!

~Father Finally

2 Year Anniversary

We have been so very busy lately, and I apologize for not updating more regularly. This is something that I will be remedying soon, but for the moment the expectant mother and I are on our way to Des Moines to celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary and the birthday of a dear friend.

I am very excited about everything coming in the next couple of weeks with this process, especially finding out the sex of our child on April 9th! Unfortunately that is immediately preceded by (April 8th) my 11th or 12th colonoscopy...I have literally lost count.

But not to dwell on the negative, I need to stay focused on all the positive. I am loving every day of this process. I think about our coming child almost continually throughout the day. I love how my beautiful wife looks with that precious baby bump, and I look forward to watching it continue to grow. Laying my ear on her belly to listen to our little one move all around and putting my hand on her baby bump to feel each kick or punch makes me smile with joy.

As you all know, for me this has been a LONG time in coming...and I am going to cherish each moment.

~Father Finally

17 weeks +1 day

The ridiculous world of pregnancy apps

Being a 'first time father to be' I though to myself "Hey, I should get a pregnancy app or two to help with the process," and while I have learned some things that I did not know before I am frankly appalled by their apparent views on dads.

As some of you probably already know these apps give you a daily and weekly information post, most of which are directly targeted to the mothers to be. Once in a while they post something directed towards the father's, and let us just say, these particular posts paint a very unflattering image of all the fathers and fathers to be out in the world.

To show you just what I am talking about, here is yesterday's remarkable post from Baby Bump...

"Just for Dad: I'm Interested...
When your significant other is pregnant, perhaps one of the best ways to show your support is to take an active interest in her. Even if she's talking about how the baby's foot was kicking her bladder (again), stop and think about how important these topics are to her. It's obvious that when the baby kicks her bladder it is very annoying to her, and her telling you about it makes her feel somewhat better. And when she goes on and on about baby names, that means she wants your input, too. So instead of responding with "uh huh" s and "hmm" s, make an effort to comment, provide your feedback, or ask questions. You may get a very stunned-yet very happy-response, and you'll both get a boost of confidence at serving an important role in each other's daily lives."

My first and simplest response? "DUH!" I'm about to be a father for cripes sakes! Plus, you know...I love my baby mamma; that is in fact why I married her and am having a child with her. I want to know how she is feeling all of the time, and be there to help take care of her. I also am certainly going to be involved in the naming of, and all the other things involved with, our child.

I can't be THAT different than the other expectant fathers out there. These apps just seem belittling and give fathers to be no credit at all.

Thanks for listening {end rant}
~Father Finally

Beating down the winter blues...

Between so much morning sickness early on and then a harsh and miserable winter lingering on, Erin has not been able to get the walking and exercise in that we both know she needs.

The weather however has taken a big turn the last couple of days, and today it is a sunny, gorgeous, and (relatively) warm day with highs pushing near 50. We were able to get out and take the dogs for a 1 and 1/4 mile walk, and then Erin and I were able to get out for another 1 mile walk with just the two of us. I know that her and the baby need this, and I am so happy that the weather is going to continue to get nicer throughout the week.

This family is going to be spending as much time as possible outside. Looks like we are going to get a family pass this season at the local aquatic center. It will be nice to be able to spend a lot of time in the sun with the family, with the cool waters to help beat the humid summer heat we get here. Hopefully that will be just what Erin needs to get her through to late August, when our new little family member will be joining the fold.

~Father Finally

Protection in place

Father (to be) Finally

Here I am at 40 years of age, and finally finding myself as a father to be; a dream I had given up on many years ago until a series of events led me to my amazing wife, and our new and wonderful life together.

After a lost pregnancy a little more than a year ago, and trouble conceiving again after, we had chosen to move on and I again had found myself giving up on the prospect of having a child of my own. To our surprise it was within a couple weeks of the decision to move on that we took the test that both surprised and thrilled me at the same time. A joy that can not be described in words no matter how hard I would try.

Already having two high school aged children of her own (both who are great and who I love as my own), ever closer to adulthood and making their own way out into the world, I am ever inspired by her want and willingness to virtually 'start over' as people have said and bring a new child into this world with me. One of our flesh and of our blood, carrying on the bloodline of my father and my father's father; a bloodline that seemed as though it may possibly be severed at this generation of me and my brothers.

There of course was some worry early on given our previous pregnancy's outcome, and a difficulty during one appointment finding the heartbeat of our child. We however were able to see a healthy and bouncing baby, as well as a very strong heartbeat. Now at a little over 15 weeks we have finally reached the point where most of the danger is behind us. We are able to share the joyous news with one and all and begin the genuine preparation for all that is to come.

This is my outlet to write about what I feel and what I encounter on this new journey and chapter in my life. Thank you to anyone who decides to read these words and share in the process with me in some way.

Do not read too much into the beginning baby blue template of this blog. It is still five weeks until we will find out the sex of our new child. That being said, I leaned this direction because at this point we both have the gut feeling that we will be having a son. This is yet to be seen, but I will be just as happy and have every bit as much love to give either way. I look forward to finding out however, because it will make shopping so much easier for us and others.

Our Kellybean is coming! I longingly await the day I am able to hold our little one in my arms, yet am enjoying each day and each moment up to that point, knowing this is my one time to experience it all. I do not wish it to be gone too soon, yet the wait to gaze upon the face of our child sometimes seems unbearable. It is a precarious balancing act that I am so blessed to be in the middle of.

~Father Finally